Hello Everyone…

Iam begging for your support and suggestions..

My name is vandana ..and iam 29 yrs old Ghaziabad Based girl .. I have 6 yrs of exp into IT recruitment .. I resigned from my job just before week of my marriage .. my parents got only 15 days to do all arrangements for marriage …. My parents was worried abt my age.. so I decided to go for marriage.. my husband is also 29 yrs old .. he has spent his 28 yrs in village and on April, 2012 he started his job as a Sr. Supervisor in Chandigarh … He is Bsc + MBA in Production from Rohtak University .. But now his 3 elder brother are forcing him to sit at home and take care of thr parents property .. they don’t want Prabhat to make his better future..

I got married on 17 June, 2012. It was arrange marriage and it never went well from the beginning mainly due to vast culture and social difference between me and my husband ( Prabhat) side. he is from village side with very typical thinking and behaviour of in laws and he has no interest in trying to get change, and not taking any interest in learning modern way of leaving or have any conversation with anybody with my family . it seems, there is no hope to change his attitudes and way of thinking. basically we do not fit each other at all but now iam 29yrs old and don’t want to go for divorce .it is very difficult to convince any outsider that this could be the reason to get separated. but beyond that, . I don’t know how will I service my entire life with him , where there is no hope for love and affection and only thing and we have is senseless fight, arguments, mistrust and disrespect.

After 15 days of my marriage I got conceived … Prabhat said I will stay at my parents place for 10 days then he will take me to Chandigarh for 3 months .. I said ok .. in the mine while .. Prabhat was forcing to get a job in Noida … so tht he can also get shifted to Noida from Chandigargh .. …. I said Ok …. Then I started searching jobs in Noida … one day I got Faint in Bus due to pregnancy. after 15 days pregnancy … I called Prabhat ask him to give some money so tht I can go for Gyna treatment .. He denied for tht .. and said tht I have not made you pregnant .. this is not baby…and said I can’t afford your nursing home treatment bcoz I don’t have money to waste on you .. I went into depression and after completing of 1 month of Pega … I decided to go for termination of my Pregnancy .. my parents suggested me to not go for DNC .. but due to my husband behavior …. I intimated him bfore DNC .. then also he didn’t called me and asked abt the matter .. Infact my In laws was also not taking care of my pregnancy . they wants money not baby …

After DNC I decide to stay with my husband in Chandigarh so I been with him for 1 months.. thr also in Chandigarh my husband was forcing me to do job so simultaneously I was searching job in chandigargh just to help my husband .. He started blaming me abt my character and he use to check my mobile phone calls .. he says Iam dating with boys .. In the absence of him … Now these days Iam at my parents place since 4 months ..

Please bring some advice or information or suggestion before my life becomes unbearable and I does something serious with myself. Even Iam not ready to accept allimony, because Iam not ready for divorce.

with Regards

Vandana

NB: This was posted in CiteHR , legal forum
21st January 2013 From India, Mumbai

Dear Vandana,

I could provide you with legal advice, but that is perhaps not what you need at this instant.

From learning about your very unfortunate circumstances, I come out feeling that you first need to decide what is it that you want.

You are an educated girl who had a stable professional life before she got married.

In such a brief span of time since you marriage, you have been through what nobody, man or woman, should experience at the hands of another in an entire lifetime.

You seem to understand that what your husband and his family have done or continue to do to you is not correct.

You realise that given their history and background, a change in their approach is extremely unlikely.

You do not want a divorce or alimony.

What does not become clear is what you do indeed want. Do you wish to have your husband and/ or his family punished (legally) for what wrong they have done to you? Legal advice to that effect could be considered once you are more clear on what you are looking for.

Having said all the above, as a woman myself, here is what I have to say on a very personal level. Nothing or nobody should have the right to make you go through anything you are sure you do not want. Divorce, old age, being unmarried or without children- these are all stigmas that are becoming redundant. Today, a woman who has had the courage to stand up for what is right is respected far more than a woman who goes on suffering the misbehaviour of her husband and in-laws. Times are finally beginning to change in favour of women and I would urge you to become part of this positivity.

Please understand that you are still very very young at 29. Gone are the days when at 29/ 30, women were considered old. I have several unmarried girl friends who are older than 30 and very happy with their professional and personal lives. They want to get married but are happy to wait till they find a suitable person- not just a man willing to get married.

I would like to clarify that I am not at all a supporter of divorce for the sake of divorce. But I do strongly believe that staying in a marriage which not only strips you of your individuality but also harms you physically and mentally to such grave extents is by no means worth any pressure from society.

Your parents might feel that you separating from your husband or being unmarried at 30 is reason to be ashamed in society, but if you explain to them that that sorrow is nothing compared to the agony of having their daughter unhappy for all her life, I am sure they will understand. Parents could never see their children shed so much as a tear, let alone the trauma you are going through.

You have been very very strong so far. That is very clear from your story. Don't break down. Gather yourself and move forward. You have been and should continue to be your parent's support system- any hasty step you take at this point will shatter them for the rest of their lives. Be the sensible girl you are and calm down.

The members of citelegal/ citehr are always here to provide you with any advice we can give. But first I request you to try to understand what you really want- without any pressure from society. Nobody can stop you from being happy except you yourself.

Love and best wishes,

Citelegal
24th January 2013 From India , Delhi
MADAM,
AS OF NOW,M YOU NEED TO WORK ON TWO ASPECTS:
1. WORK WITH PSYCHOLOGIST ON CONCEPT OF \"SELF ASSERTION\". THERE IS A BOOK BY A PSYCHOLOGIST, NAMED, \"HOW TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF\".
2. DOWNLOAD FROM WEBSITE www.awgp.org, on what works in Family Institution system and why and there are few audios as well.
3. when all your positive tries and fails, then you have legal options.
But with determination and efforts and with insight on knowledge, things will certainly work.

28th July 2014 From India, New Delhi
 

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